101 Things I Can't Do Within The Walls
by CJbean
Summary: "Oh god…" "I know, it's horrible. Humanity really is so weak…" "What? Oh no, I wasn't even talking about that. I just had another flashback of Hanji doing the Macarena." After being inflicted with several humiliating injuries, and performing way too many musical numbers, the members of the Recon Corps came to a final decision: What happens within the walls, stays within the walls.
1. Chapter 1

**AN: This is inspired/stolen/based off of Do-a-barrel-roll's ****_444 Things I Can't Do in Amestris. _****She is far funnier than I will ever be, so if you're a FMA fan make sure to check it out. In the meantime, enjoy some good old-fashioned crack written by yours truly. ^_^**

**1. I will not use my 3D maneuver gear in any irresponsible fashions, such as...**

It was 3:30 in the morning when every civilian in a 50 mile radius was woken by an unbearably loud noise. It took a minute for everyone to realize that what they were hearing was actually human. Connie zipped full speed from building to building, singing as loud as was physically possible, in the most obnoxious voice he could muster.

"SPIDER-MAN SPIDER-MAN HE DOES WHATEVER A SPIDER CAN OH SPIDER-MAN SPIDER-"

The young cadet unfortunately (or fortunately depending on how you look at it), lost control and smashed face first into the side of a building.

**2. Or-**

"C'mon, Jean!"

"Don't be a chicken!"

"Indoor training, what's the worst that could happen?"

Jean nodded and arranged his previously nervous features into a stupidly determined expression.

He braced his feet firmly against the floor, back to the wall, full 3DMG strapped on. Ymir and Sasha pushed the tables to the sides of the dining hall so that he had plenty of room.

"Ready?" Reiner asked eagerly. Jean nodded again.

"Okay...now!" The cadet released half of his gas in a split second, sending him flying across the room, slamming face-first into the opposite wall, and crumpling to the floor.

The other cadets stared in horror at their unconscious friend, except for Annie, who looked uninterested as usual, and Ymir, who had collapsed in an uncontrollable fit of silent laughter.

** Erwin is not Barbie.**

Commander Pixis looked the platinum blond in the eye. "Erwin, I need to ask you something. You must tell me the complete truth. Mankind's fate depends on your answer!"

Erwin nodded gravely. "I assure you that I will not lie," he said, wondering what this serious matter could be. "What is the question?"

Pixis leaned in close and whispered, "Commander, do you live a fantastic life in plastic?"

His body was never found.

**4. Neither is Annie.**

Jean, Connie, and Reiner were all huddled together in one corner of the dining hall. Reiner was holding three straws. Four minutes of scuffling, whispered arguments, and sobbing, "I'm to young to die!" later, Jean emerged from the group and walked slowly toward an unsuspecting Annie, like a tiger stalking his prey. Ever so carefully he tapped her on the shoulder. She turned around and eyed him warily.

"What is it, Jean?"

"C'mon Barbie let's go party!"

He had a good life.

**5. I will not try to teach Titans how to dance.**

"Hi Bean! Good morning, Sawney!" Hanji said cheerfully, stepping up to the chained titans. The soldier guarding them began shaking his head frantically. "Please ma'am, don't get so close! It's dangerous!"

The brunette ignored him and continued talking to the titans. "Today I'm going to teach you something new! First watch me," Hanji swung around and pointed to one of her soldiers, who was holding a large boom box. "Hit it!" Then those poor soldiers saw something that would haunt their dreams for the rest of their lives.

"DA LE A TU CUEPRO ALEGRIA MACARENA QUE TU CUERPO ES PA DARLE ALEGRIA Y COSA BUENA DA LE A TU CUEPRO ALEGRIA MACARENA EEEEEH MACARENA-AY" As if Hanji's atrocious singing voice was not horrifying enough, the titans actually started copying her dance movements!

"Yes that's it Bean! Palms up...cross your arms over your chest…yeah you got it, Sawney!...okay now move those hips! EEEEEH MACARENA-AY!"

Meanwhile the soldiers where in disarray, running in circles, and screaming, "MY VIRGIN EYES!"


	2. Chapter 2

** AN: Ahem, *clears throat* I have a few announcements to make. I have decided to give the 10th reviewer (hopefully I'll get at least 10) a one-shot. Future 10th person, leave your idea in a review and I will add it to the list. It will be longer than these little tid-bits of course, and you'll get credit. Also, I'm going skiing next week, so I thought maybe I'd do a special chapter about the 104th cadets staying at a ski resort! Chaos will reign. Dignities will be lost. Snowballs will be thrown. Also, thank you to StarrySky0103, who came up with the prompts for #6 and #7.**

**Anonymous: Thank you, I would be _delighted _to update, however I'm afraid I must turn down your proposal. XD**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Shingeki no Kyogin(I'm not sure if I can even spell it correctly), Mary Poppins, or Les Miserables. I ****_do_**** own this list, most of the lyrics to "Do you Hear the People Scream?", and a morbidly obese cat.**

**6. I will not tell Mikasa that Eren and Levi are gay together.**

"Eren." Eren turned around to see Mikasa marching towards him, a murderous glint in her eye.

He gulped. What had he done that could possibly make her angry?

"Y-yes?"

"You see this?" She said in that deathly calm voice that meant he wanted to kill someone. His eyes looked where her hands were grabbing-

"Uh...your boob?" Eren felt his face grow red.

"Correct," Mikasa suddenly shoved her chest in his face with such force that he almost fell backward. "This is a boob. Look at it. Do you like it?"

Eren was pretty sure that Sasha could fry potatoes on his face right now. "Um..yeah I-I guess-"

"Not you "guess" Eren! I want a clear answer! DO YOU OR DO YOU NOT LIKE BOOBS!"

"Yes! Yes I like boobs! Calm down woman!"

Mikasa relaxed and began to walk away. "Good."

Eren watched her retreating back, with his mouth hanging open. "What-why...indecent-right in my face-what..."

**7. I will never take away Sasha's potato.**

"CONNNNNIIIIEEEEE!"

"You shouldn't have messed with that girls potato, man..."

**8. I will not attempt to make "Attack on Titan: The Musical"**

Eren sang to himself as he polished his maneuver gear, "A sword in the neck helps the titan go down the Titan go down the Titan go down

Yes a sword in the neck helps the titan go down in the most delightful way..."

**9. …Especially not if it involves imprisoning Sasha for nineteen years for stealing a loaf of bread.**

The metallic scent of blood filled the air as titans trudged through the city. It was a terrible sight; houses and buildings demolished, people running around in a panicked frenzy. But then, over their horrified screams, another sound could be heard…calmer, stronger voices…all singing…and in perfect harmony! Could it be…yes, the Recon Corps had arrived!

_"Do you here the people scream_

_As they're eaten by titans_

_It is the pained cries of a people _

_Who will never feel again_

_When the beating of your heart_

_Suddenly ceases to exist_

_There is a life about to end_

_In a titan's fist!" _

The soldiers zoomed in on their 3D Maneuver Gear, and promptly began to kick some red, naked ass, all while singing in unison beautifully. Then Lance Corporal Levi started his solo.

_"Will you join the Survey Corps_

_Not the military police_

_Somewhere beyond Wall Maria_

_Is there a world you long to see?"_

The Corporal sang in a gorgeous, feminine soprano even as he sank his blade into the necks of several titans. His commander, Erwin Smith, joined him, and belted out in a much manlier voice,_ "Then join in the fight, that will give you the right to be fr- !"_

Suddenly a pitchy, off-key voice cut him off. It was Eren Jaeger, who practically screamed his solo as he sprinted along rooftops, his eyes fixed hungrily on the Colossal Titan.

"Use 3D Maneuver Gear

And awesome swords like a badass

Obliterate the titans

Even the 50 meter class

Kill those ugly monsters

Let's kick some aberrant ass!"

Everyone cheered as the Recon Corps killed the last of the titan's. Who would've guessed that all they needed to win in the end was the power of music?

_"Do you hear the people scream_

_As there eaten by titans_

_It is the pained cries of a people_

_Who will never feel again_

_When the beating of your heart_

_Echoes the beating of the drums suddenly ceases to exist_

_There is a life about end_

_In a titans fist!"_


End file.
